Saturday, November 7, 2009

Entry # 7 --- Spirit Beyond the Pain

The pain I feel goes beyond words; deeper into the body, mind and soul than you or I could ever travel. Underneath the softness I have and the smile I wear is an agony that is indescribable. Layers upon layers of hurt, regret and sorrow plague my being everyday. What I show to the world is a mask, with a top layer that can be anything. But, when I am alone, the layers shed and I am once again, open, vulnerable, like a wound that doesn’t heal.

Despite all that, for one glorious instant, none of that mattered. I wasn’t playing my part, but the wound didn’t seem to hurt. I know it was still there, but never did I feel pain. What I felt was the part of me I tucked away so long ago, spring to life. I felt a joyous pleasure that I thought still remained untouched. It scared me, and it still does.

Today, I wore my mask again. And as I sit here alone, I still feel the top layer peeling away to expose that wound. My hope, my wish, is that I might once again feel that part of me that I gave to you. You hold it right now and I hope you will take care of it. Even if you never again use it, please take care of it. It is a gentle, yet fragile spirit that I once owned. I gave it to you, not knowing how or why. I am still unsure. Yet it rests with you. Thank you for breaking that spirit loose and letting me feel something real.

I may never again share that spirit with you, but I will never regret letting it go. Because for one brief moment, I felt like myself again and that means more to me than you could ever know…

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