My Spiritual Journey --- Entry #1

I can’t even begin to say how long it has been since I have written down my innermost thoughts and feelings. It used to come so easily to me, as if done by second nature. And it’s not like I haven’t attempted to get back into the swing of things…I truly have. But those attempts have either been shallow and lacking any real insight or they were just never completed. I have had to stop and ask myself what the reason for this might be. I haven’t arrived at a solid conclusion on this just yet, but I do have several theories. The first is that over the past several years, I have been through a couple of transformations, one of which I feel as though I disconnected from myself and that reflective aspect lay dormant. The other is that I have been through so many difficult times I just cannot bring myself to face the depth of those feelings. Perhaps I’m afraid that if I begin digging into this part of myself again, the part of me that transformed may regress back to a darker time. On the other hand, there is probably no better way to finally release that darker part of myself than to write it down and get it out. So, this is where I find myself. I must ask myself what the draw has previously been to focus myself into doing this in the first place. If I think back, I can honestly say that my journaling or writing in my diary began when I was in the 4^th grade. When I first started writing, it was simply an account of the things I had done during the day or upcoming events in my life. And then there were times I would write to release my anger or sadness over something that happened. It was a great tool for me because it always made me feel better, although I must admit (like many kids in elementary school) I didn’t have any major problems. The diary mostly consisted of childhood crushes, fights with my siblings or issues with friends. That’s not to say I haven’t used other methods of expressing my feelings. I have always been a writer. As soon as I learned to put words together, I was writing constantly. I have written plays, poems, stories, even tried my hand at song lyrics. It does seem, however, that when life started to get complicated, my writing shifted from journaling to writing more poetry. And it’s not that the poems are not a form of expression; they simply don’t reveal as much as this freehand writing does. In my poems, there is a certain structure and order whereas when I write in this manner, I don’t necessarily have a specific theme or concept. And when I truly allow myself to think about that, I see that I can sort of hide behind myself in a poem. The structure of it allows me to pick and choose what I want to express and when I journal, the words simply flow and I do not try to stop my hands from saying whatever they feel empowered to write (or type) onto the paper. In other words, this type of writing takes me out of my comfort zone. In my world, structure and order are fairly dominant forces. It takes the more courageous part of me to do anything spontaneous or free spirited. Maybe I’ve hit on something here. I just noticed that I’ve said that this was second nature to me when I was younger and that as I got older and life became more complicated, this was harder for me to do. Aren’t we all a little less inhibited about pretty much everything when we’re younger and become a little more structured as we grow older? I’m hoping I can reconnect with that younger spirit and reclaim this part of myself. The one thing I remember about why I loved to do this so much is this is the only place I can go in my life where it’s just me, where I’m just me. My entire life I have lived with other people. I cannot recall many times in my life where I have truly been alone. When I was younger, I lived with four other people. There were always at least two people in the house and I shared a room with my sister. Essentially, the only place you got to be alone was the bathroom and if you took too long there, there was always someone beating the door down, demanding you hurry along. And even when I moved out of the house, I had a spouse so “alone” has always been more of an abstract concept for me. But on paper, it’s just me, just Ashley. Here, I am not a daughter, a sister, or a wife. I am simply me and that is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Not to say that I don’t love and cherish being all of those other things because I do, but when it’s just me, I don’t have anyone else to worry about and I can truly contemplate the essence of my being. To help me along in this process, I have bought a couple of books about journaling to give me inspiration and keep me motivated. It should be a very interesting journey and I’m anxious to see what things I will learn about myself in the process.

I don't get it....

**I wrote this on 06/11/2009 reflecting on some personal issues that were going on at the time**

Why is life so unfair? Why do so many good people have to endure pain while wicked people seem to go unpunished? Where is the justice for the 'Good Samaritan'? Why are so many people corrupt and ugly-hearted? Why can’t people encompass compassion and love instead of being selfish and hateful? Why do young people die? Why do infants and the unborn, which haven’t had even a remote chance to enjoy life, perish? I just wish that life could be a little more even-handed about things. I mean, sure bad things are going to happen in life; that goes along with the territory. But, is it necessary to have a string of unfortunate circumstances happen to some while another experiences a roll of lucky punches? Furthermore, even though it’s said that sorrow brings forth compassion, (most) people are so self-absorbed that they can’t even begin to try and “feel” anything for anyone but themselves. It’s a very sad world we live in today and very depressing.

All I ask is justice for the good guys of the world. Too many people these days have ulterior motives and are self-serving, and the people who are giving and loving are passed over for the glitter…………

I say, don’t follow the glitz and glamor. Life is too short as it is and you should attempt to surround yourself with people who value the important things in life, such as love, compassion, generosity, empathy, sympathy and other virtuous traits. And although it may seem like the flashier people are this way, please know that it is only an act. These kinds of people are too unhappy in their own lives to give a care about yours. So, while they are wonderful people when talking about themselves or what is important to them, when it comes down to your own personal triumphs and tragedies, they are nowhere to be found. They provide an empty sort of companionship. As long as the subject matter revolves around them and their world, they are animated and lively. Once that changes, they are apathetic and aloof. And this leaves you feeling even lonelier than if you had no friends at all.

In short, go for substance, not appearance. As it had been said, “Things aren’t always what they seem.”

The Very 1st!

This is my first blog.

I am mostly writing this for myself so I can collect my thoughts and get them out of my head, but if anyone cares to read my incessant ramblings, they are certainly most welcome.

If you know anything about me, you know that I'm pretty much an open book. There aren't many things I keep to myself because I'm the kind of person that has to get their thoughts/feelings out in the open; if I don't, my entire world is chaotic. I enjoy the feedback as well as the sympathy, reassurance, encouragement, and advice that follows letting go of your feelings. Even if nothing is resolved afterward, I always feel better, as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest. That's basically why I like the idea of a blog...a special place for me to come to vent about my life. :)

So begins my introspection into....I don't know, life maybe? Or myself?

I'm ready for whatever direction this blog leads me.

READY?.............SET?....................WRITE!!!!!!!!!