Entry #2 --- My Past...and Forgiving Myself

My past seems to haunt me on a continuous basis. It’s not everyday, but I get these flashes in my head that are like instant replays of the past mistakes I have made. And when I think about all of that in the context of who I am, I truly begin to wonder how I ever did those things. I have never arrived at a solid conclusion of the reasons for doing the things I did. I could blame it on a million different things…the alcohol, my mistrust of men, my rape, the state my life was in, my relationship, etc. And yes, I finally changed and reclaimed that good part of myself, but I don’t know if I have truly forgiven myself for everything. And somehow, I don’t think it’s because I can’t; I think it’s because I haven’t truly allowed myself to see the things I did and the people I hurt in the process (including myself). It was only today when I had another flashback that I finally saw the awful transgressions I made. So, I wrote a list. I didn’t read it as I wrote. I only read it when I remembered all that I could and finished writing it down. Looking at that sheet of paper was one of the most difficult things that I have done lately. When I saw it, in my own handwriting, I was deeply ashamed. I was ashamed of my behavior, the way I treated those I loved, the way I treated people I didn’t even know, the way I treated myself and the way I turned my back on God. It has never been in my character to do things like that and I realized I had lowered myself to a place I never wanted to be. I don’t think anybody would purposefully choose to be at the bottom of the barrel like that. What’s funny is that I have been having a lot of dreams lately that seem to symbolize that there is something in my past that I need to let go of. I have just assumed that the dreams were referring to my miscarriages and the deep desire to have a baby. But now that this has come up, I am beginning to wonder if my dreams refer to this particular part of my past. It would actually make a lot of sense because when I did these things and even for a time afterward, I never acknowledged my part in all that I did. I mean, I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I did feel bad about it, but I still continued my actions. I can’t say for sure why I kept doing the same things, even though I knew in my heart they were wrong. Looking back, I remember telling myself that what I was doing was justifiable because I was being treated so badly in my relationship, but I do not feel justified in doing those things. The more these thoughts and images continue to plague me, the guiltier I feel about my actions and myself. I can no longer make excuses or pretend that it never happened. So, here goes: the actions I committed in my past were my fault; they were not responsible or mature decisions and I accept full responsibility. I cannot and will not make any excuses for my behavior. It was wrong and because of my carelessness, I hurt a lot of the people who love (or loved) me. I do feel that I am a different and better person today and because of that, I need to forgive myself and let this go. Although I will not ever forget it, I feel that if I don’t let it go, I may fall prey to making the same mistakes again and that is the last thing I want. God has seen fit to offer me a second chance to do things the right way and I intend to do just that. I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever expected as far as this is concerned, and I will not forsake that blessing. And I do not want these memories to continue to haunt my soul anymore. Everyone makes mistakes in their lifetime and mine were huge. I am glad I learned from these mistakes so early on because I will carry the wisdom I gained for the rest of my life. It is ok to forgive myself because the past is over and done. Nothing in the world I do will change what I did back then so I can’t keep persecuting myself. Change is an ever-present force in my life and I just need to “keep moving forward.”