I don’t think some people realize how difficult it is to return from darkness to the light. It requires a long journey filled with doubt and lots of introspection. It is not something that is easily done and once you have arrived at your destination, it’s a daily struggle to stay in that place. Most that are lost in the dark don’t care to return to light simply because of all it entails. You must strip away every layer of yourself, examine every piece of your heart and soul and face things about yourself that would be much easier to deny. To describe this process in one word: vulnerable. It is a powerful word and carries with it a great weight. Here you are, this person…a mere fragment of who you thought you were or who you envisioned yourself to be. If you are fortunate enough to survive that darkness and get to that place of light, you must fight like hell to remain there. And it always seems that the tiniest little thing could send you right back to that place you once were. Certainly life will throw you a few curve-balls, but for the person who has such a fragile spirit, it doesn’t take much to send them reeling. The demons of your past actions are already a force to be reckoned with, but to also face your inner demons…well, that’s just on an entirely different level. It’s bad enough that you must face yourself day in and day out; the number of insecurities present is ridiculously overwhelming. To take on other people’s insecurities can be just so that it threatens all the strides you have made.
My past does not define me. However, it can never be undone. It is a constant reminder of the person I never want to be again. To be (or even feel) questioned without just cause draws out all of those insecurities and doubts I have ever had about myself. And while I know that I can’t hide from every query that will undoubtedly occur many times throughout my life, it hinders my progress to feel that way, especially when I have done nothing wrong. I know that a lot of this sounds like self-pity, but I do not feel sorry for myself or expect anyone else to feel sorry for me. I do not deny that I have made mistakes, some of which were monumental. However, to every inquiry that comes my way, I have to fight with myself that I am not becoming that person again. Perhaps there isn’t anyone who is holding my past against me and that (to me) is an accomplishment in itself. I tend to be my own worst enemy and take (what may seem like) innocuous things to heart. Even if it is someone else’s burden, if it involves me in any way, it becomes my burden as well. And to burden my heart with something that I cannot do anything about or that calls my character into question, is simply torturous. So, while you may think that you are not accusing, blaming or holding something against me, that is not how it is received. It took a lot for me to get to this place and I work on it daily. It has nothing to do with you, our relationship or even how I feel about you; this is much deeper than that. If you are going to bring me to this place, please make it over something substantial. Otherwise, the foundation that my heart and soul sits upon is compromised. I do realize that this is not your fault nor do I hold it against you. But that is the very thing I am trying to get across. All of this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I am doing so well; please do not make me question myself when it is not necessary. My greatest gift to you is continuing to move forward. My greatest fear is feeling inadequate and going backwards.